More Precious

Lord, I want to help grow your kingdom
Lord, I know you have a plan for me
Lord, teach me to listen to your wisdom
And live and walk my days accordingly


(Lord, you are more precious than silver
Lord, you are more costly than gold
Lord, you are more beautiful than diamonds
And nothing I desire compares with you)

An Appearance

I had a strange dream last night in bed;
it's amazing what dreams will bring out of one's head.
I was a nurse in a hospital, that much was true,
and was so busy, had a hundred things to do.
As I went to meet my patients and open up their doors
there in one of the beds was none other than my Lord.
"Master, Jesus, how is it you are here?"
I reached up my hand to brush away my tears.
I heard Him say my name; He had gentle, tender eyes.
My heart ached for Him. I sat down by His side.
His wounds ran very deep; He didn't mention pain.
He just let me hold Him close as He called me by my name.
It wasn't long before my duties heralded me away.
It's not that I avoided Him, I just figured He was okay.
I came back near the end of shift and there He sat in bed,
His wounds healed, His smile revealed, glory shone from His head.
He had disappeared when I returned to check Him once again.
I didn't know what to make of this, but I felt I had sinned.
It wasn't until I opened my eyes that I realized a number of things.
First, the Lord is everywhere; He's in the least of human beings.
Second, I can't just check in on God; He wants me at His feet.
Third, if I don't follow Him I'm left with palpable defeat.
Fourth, He loves me dearly and finds me where I am.
Fifth, He paid my price for sin, God's sacrifical lamb.
I realized my choice of life with God was shallow to compare
with the worlds of love and joyfulness He longed for us to share.
I had seldom let Him speak, my words so filled the air.
I was the one in control of all His routine care.
Now I see I had it backwards, God is in control,
and I'm the patient next to Him, as He came to make sick whole.
I'm grateful for His appearance in my nightly sleep,
for I've much to learn and time is short and He's always so willing to teach.

Post-dream personal journal entry recorded 9/15/2003

Post-judice

What is more dangerous prejudice or post-judice?

A friend of mine under attack today expressed his sorrow for his accusers as they are the victims of their own prior unforgiveness.

GCM

What is life like in a cage when the lock is absent?

What if the keepers tote sound report but love you best with guilt, shame and fear…

control your gift of freedom, malign your redeemed name, undervalue your adoption, ask to become your gatekeeper to God,

what then?

In obedience do you too become a Pharisee, abiding within traditions’ constraints,

bending your will first to ones created?

How can we ask such questions?

Season for Patience

Boldness wanes with the hour
I am called and will come
At times I own the prophet’s fear – am I the only one?

Solo stance, nil recompense
Initial walk’s a blunder
My image is marred; I back pedal assailed, nigh asunder

Church with malaise unfelt
Find me sanctuary; Render rest and aid
I rebuke apathy, antagonism and labels of a crazed renegade

Time is of essence
It’s both now and not yet
Spirit, loose our chords together
The ripe fields wait for the bride to awake
Tethered faithful advance freedom; Claim stake

Masters of Fake Fruit

The swankier the store the more successful the fake foods in the kitchen section are at stimulating my rebellious salivary glands.

I’ve come to despise those artisans in plastics.

But I’m an artisan of my own sort, frequently surrounded by like kind. Our imitations are also good enough at first glance to fool, sadly, even ourselves, for a while.

Unlike masters in plastics whose creations outlast the lifespan of that which they imitate, ours tend to be an anemic companion to their counterpart. But as originals have come to rarity, the imitations, particularly good ones, are trendy enough to pass, for a while. But to what end?

What is this communion?

In my childhood a peer of mine posed a question to me like a sphinx on a road.

If you were in the middle of a conversation with someone and God told you to pray, would you:

A) Continue your conversation, ignoring the impulse, likely telling yourself you would pray later.
B) Wrap up your conversation and go somewhere private to pray.
C) Stop immediately and pray.

I answered ‘B’ and within the hour I paid the price for that incorrect response. The answer is C. Today I again challenge myself and possibly others – the answer is, stop immediately and pray.

What is this privileged communion?

This glorious incredulous option
Bowing my will, my motive, my care
Wise and essential abasement that sets my soul to flight
Communing with unspeakable Power
Encapsulated, if that were the plausible descript, in love
Words unneeded, true presence suffice
Sound and sometimes sight of hidden things of God
Faith to follow
Spirit provoked guttural impulses
Spurring many a blind obedience
What is this communion?
Sustenance, life, breath, water... all

Contemplating 'in'

I’m contemplating ‘in’. Dwelling in, abiding in… Christ’s love, Christ’s sacrifice… Christ, and my mind turns to the pool as I consider a tangible object lesson to reinforce my thoughts. Perhaps today would be the day for a swim. No one is at the pool. It’s peaceful, bright and beautiful. I set my two books, Bible and journal down and head up to my room to change. I hastily prepare and scold myself for not putting on sunscreen and I hear the Lord speak to my mind ‘you will not need it’. A pitter-patter is bouncing against my window unit. I head to the main stairwell only to realize the sky outside has ripped open and rain is violently assaulting everything unsheltered. A Jesuit seems transfixed in the stairwell looking out the window as if in an instant he has seen nature itself change without transition. And then I realize… my books! I bolt down the remaining three flights of stairs and sprint through the torrents to the pool spreading my towel as I come as if to cover my books before I get to them. In one movement I scoop them into my arms and fling the door to the pool's restroom open. As I gawk at them wide-eyed I can't help but laugh outloud as I futilely attempt to dry them off, their pages each one forever altered by the impact of the rain.

The object lesson echoes into me. Each time I read this Bible, I know I will not easily forget. I put my sopping wet books aside and dive into the pool. As I come to the surface the deluge turns to sprinkle and dissipates completely. No more than ten minutes had I been gone, the storm possibly only half of that time, and now a distilled quietness as the rain that watered the earth waters my soul.

To dive deeply into abiding in Christ is not solely an action of human will. In His omnipresence and power there is nothing that He does not cover, nothing that He does not wash that we might also think to dwell within. He rejoices in our choice of Him and pours Himself out not only where we seek Him and anticipate He might be contained but over everything we could possibly know and do. This is my uncontainable God.


Recorded on a Silent Retreat at a Jesuit facilitated Spirituality Center in May 2010.

Photo from the very peaceful island of Kauai last summer.

An answer to my fear

Just as the wasp or bee navigates through the blades of grass yet has the ability to fly through the open air without obstacle, so the Lord will safely guide me through the thinkings of men without clipping from me the divine wings with which I fly.

Let not fear of falling away from Him cripple my obedience to Him. Trust Him, abide, obey. If I fall, then I fall. He can lift me up if He sees fit. For I know He watches me, and I know He loves me.

Lord, let me not be deceived.

Prayer of Longing

You meet us where we are, communicate in ways we look for you, in ways we understand your message. You speak in parables to which we relate. And how blessed we are that you do, or we might never find you.

But I no longer want you to speak my language. How I long for you to teach me yours. Do not come Lord to where I am, rather call me to where you are. Let me walk with you, not you with me unless there is no other way.

The Story of Glory and Shima

We don’t really know their full story. We only met them 2 years ago. Elijah and I had just finished a work-out at ETBU and I hadn’t quite made it to the car before 4 pairs of adorable eyes, 4 wagging tails and 16 big puppy feet paraded themselves right into my heart. Elijah caught us together after I’d shared my water bottle down to the last drop and no questions were to be asked at that point; they were coming home for a proper dinner. It wasn’t long before 2 of the 4 sisters joined another family as people ogled over them every time they passed by our house. The new puppies brought the neighborhood alive for us which had been all too distant since our move to Marshall 2 months prior. The Lord had brought them at just the right season.

As a small tribute to Africa, we decided to use Swahili to name one of the dogs. I called her ‘Honor’, thus Heshima, or Shima for short, joined the family. Her sister Glory, called Gloria by our neighbors to this day, tied the bow on our home at 902 North Franklin Street. Though not in the sort we might have originally imagined, the Lord had given us twins who made us wonder those first couple of weeks if we were sane to think we could raise children. While the girls don’t, in all honesty, embody their names' potential, it wasn’t a month before we could legitimately call them our Comfort and our Joy!

There is a time for everything… a time to gather… a time to scatter. The seasons change.

Perhaps ironically as Elijah and I look forward to moving ourselves onto ETBU’s campus for the Faculty in Residence program, it is now time to part with some of our earliest ETBU gifts.

I wanted to introduce them to you, for you see, our girls still need a home and just like we don’t know the beginning of their story, as the Lord moves His pieces around, yes even dogs, I can embrace that He cared for them before us and will after us… Perhaps you’ll be part of the story.

Smiling on the Left: Glory, 61 lbs; Right: Shima, 49 lbs
Birthdays: ~ May 2009
Both spayed and up to date on vaccines and preventative meds

Calculated Upheaval

Moving has a way of burning down the dross
Several think we’re nuts and calculate a loss
Fact: unnecessary stuff exacts a greater cost
I’ve learned to have a loosened grip; anything can be tossed


How often does one married couple get to move?

1. Adam’s Bend Apts, Temple, TX – 1 ½ years (by U-Haul to)
2. Rain Tree Apts, Temple, TX – 6 months (plane)
3. Old Town (dorm), Edinburgh, Scotland – 5 months (car)
4. Abbeyhill (flat), Edinburgh, Scotland – 7 months (bus & cab)
5. Gorgie (Apts), Edinburgh, Scotland – 9 months (walking & car)
6. Slateford (house), Edinburgh, Scotland – 3 months (van)
7. Morningside (house), Edinburgh, Scotland – 10 months
(train & plane)
8. Dallas (parents’ house!), Garland, TX – 2 years (U-Haul)
9. N. Franklin, Marshall (house), Marshall, TX – 2 years (...)
10. University Apartments, East Texas Baptist University,
Marshall, TX – ETA TBA later this summer

It’s our 10th move in just less than 9 years & I’m excited!
Counting down the days!

Silent Retreats

Breaking points... those with opportunity seek what is available not to reach them, or at least to be in a safe environment for the duration of their climax.

For the introverts among us, I highly recommend silence for our loudest moments.

http://home.centurytel.net/spiritualitycenter/

Many might think I’m running
In fact the opposite’s truer, I’m stopping
A pause in my grand scheme of time wasted
To spend some if not more later, wisely
A pause
To listen, to observe, to think
To meet
To better be

‘they were at their wits’ end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven… Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the Lord.’
Psalm 107:27b-30, 43

Lethal Comforts

At a difficult time in my life when I felt wronged on many fronts, the Lord refused to ‘take my side’ and instead seemed more interested in rooting out two things I clung to like a newborn at the breast: resentment and bitterness.

Once able to finally see their unmitigated destructive nature in my life I asked how to fight them and he answered by telling me what they were, conveying it to be a matter of my elected perspective.

un R easonable
E nergy
S pent
E ntertaining
N egative
T houghts

B razenly
I nternalizing
T hose
T houghts
E xercising
R esentment

Sadness

There was a time in my life when those who saw me most but knew me least took the risk of telling their boss I had become different and the difference was best described as ‘sadness’.

I dispassionately took their concern to the Lord and asked ‘what is my sadness?’ This was his immediate answer. I record it now for you in the event it’s also yours. Acknowledge it; then do or submit to the work of recovery.

S oulache
A bandonment
D oubt
N earsightedness
E xhaustion
S ubstitutionaries
S elf-pity

Brad

Disheveled, unclean, your pain screams
Stature shot, tears unsought
Raw and fresh, open flesh
You grasp for belief engulfed by grief
Many judge, sympathies unbudged
So you try on a shroud, seek solace in crowd
Feign to smile, but no one’s beguiled
There’s a season for all and it’s yours to fall
Prostrate, unbent, fragmented lament
Others can pray while you endure decay
Divers healing transpires by grave

Misconception

Pain of emptiness
Draining of lifelessness

Games of the mind
Dreams of beauty turn unkind

Latent desire
Now down to the wire

Without within
Each month begins again

Though tested, unchanged
My confession’s the same

Not to will for the simple sake of pride
Let us conceive only as you’ve chosen the child

Gluttonous Living

As I overeat, overindulge, over consume
I lose my acute sense of goodness and grace
I destroy my God-gifted sense of taste for all things living
I mute and dumb my discernment
I stifle my engine
I turn my eyes inward and lose perspective with a quickly redrafted reality that keeps me at the center
Committing self-harm
And rendering me a nuisance to original intention
Shame and deception so great I cannot see

Defined anything I take for myself beyond my need
I couldn’t possibly create a list as my true needs are so minute

How can I imagine righteousness or living by faith when my independent self-sufficient responsible existence precludes its very source

Work unto men as if unto God
I live work unto me as if I were God
And I am unworthy of the glory I self-ascribe
I am not concerned with much beyond pleasure now, even poor pleasures – I care not to care

The lies I hear I embody, this is my testimony
The other evidence is dim in comparison

But I hear and feel the calling
It is clear as you are clear
I feel not condemned though I myself am nauseated with shame

Not yet relentless, it is still my option
The rich love that extends ‘Come’ to a disobedient free will
I know this time you will persist
For I also know the reason

Mostly I do not wish to empty and I am fearful of the filling
Now the faint desire comes to know you again within
And I accept the quaking to come
I cannot contain you, yet you do not destroy me
Lord, you yourself restitch the pieces
Can I say in belief I trust you, perhaps this moment
Gird the rest

Kids Bibles

It wasn’t until I was walking by a classroom of fully grown men in kindergarten as students last week that I began to comprehend the profound need around us.

Today we received a shipment of 800 kids Bibles at the church to give away at our Easter Egg Hunt this weekend. They are actually NT storybooks geared for ages 4-7.

The Lord paired these two occurrences together for me and only then did I realize that again his plans are not my plans and his ways are not my ways. Profound messages that are accessible in this small colorful illustrated book with big bold words in front of me, may have been utterly inaccessible to my adult neighbor if I’d put a NIV Study Bible in his or her hand instead.

Oh to be blown by the free spirit of God and find yourself in the right direction.

Fight Fear

Disabled by design
Whispers translate ‘you are fearful, you are mine’

Fight back, Fight now,
Fight fierce, Don’t bow

Precious gifts are smothered
Who am I, send another

What if, how can,
Please no, not again

Our plumb line is lost
We’ve bought the façade
Don’t think the fooling of yourself
Will ultimately stand the test

Fight back, Fight now,
Fight fierce, Don’t bow

Where is my angst, where is my awe
This disquietude is a holy call

Be afraid while fearing not
Choose your master, Choose your lot

Gregory

Strength of intellect
Fledgling resolve
A contorted course
Leads to God
Unshackled love
In a shackled place
Drawing new sketches
Transfused by grace
Time is his agent
Womb to grave
Happy Birthday my brother
No more a slave

Consumption

So without
Pushing the boundaries within
Begging for filling
While taking my fill again
Where is your blessing
Then clearly my answer comes
Your consumption is rampant
While tailor made for one

Fast unto me
Rid yourself of waste
You long for my glory
But feast among disgrace

Loving to loathe and loathing to love
Blundering blindly asking not of

Wedded Parables... The Prodigal Branch

(In my opinion John 15:1-17 provides the theological framework behind the Luke 15:11-32 story)

What if the younger son (in part) had it right?
Perhaps he rightly understood that the inheritance was for now.
But to remove the inheritance from the Father was like removing a tree limb that is laden with fruit from the tree.
The immediate fruit remained, but now was mortal,
not to replenish unless the limb was regrafted into the source that supplies the continuance of growth.
How often we are the older son missing the abundancy of living that was always the intention.

Our Father will not die; our inheritance is also for now.

'My {child}... everything I have is yours.'

John Donne, Divine Meditation 19

Oh, to vex me,
contraries meet in one:
Inconstancy
unnaturally hath begot
A constant habit;
that when I would not
I change in vows,
and in devotion.
As humorous is my contrition
As my profane love,
and as soon forgot:
As riddlingly distempered,
cold and hot,
As praying, as mute;
as infinite, as none.


I durst not view heaven yestereday; and today
In prayers, and flattering speeches I court God:
Tomorrow I quake with true fear of his rod.
So my devout fits come and go away
Like a fantastic ague: save that here
Those are my best days, when I shake with fear.

A Franciscan Blessing

(A prayer prayed over
me and many today
in a corporate setting.)

May God bless you with DISCOMFORT at
easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with ANGER at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice,
freedom and peace.

May God bless you with TEARS to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough FOOLISHNESS to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that by the grace of God you can do what others claim cannot be done.

And the Blessing of God, who creates, redeems and sanctifies, be upon you and all you love and pray for this day, and forever more.

Amen.