Here’s the Point. It’s Not about the Tomb.

John 20

Quick recap. Peter and John are running to Jesus‘s tomb post Mary Magdalene‘s announcement that Jesus’ body is missing. John gets there first and for some reason doesn’t go in. Wait a minute, we’re about to talk about the reason.

Verse 5 “he BENT OVER and looked in”. 

Moving on, Peter arrived and went straight in. Of course this is the same Peter who is the only recorded disciple to walk on water. I think his pause button is on a more permanent jam.

Verse 11 & back to Mary Magdalene. “Mary stood OUTSIDE the tomb.” Why? Why did John not run in and why did Mary stand outside?

Here’s a guess, verse 11b “as she wept, she BENT OVER to look into the tomb.”

Here’s the point. It’s not about the tomb. It’s about our Christian upbringing, our visuals. It’s about iconography. It’s about our teaching of the Scriptures, our education on the word of God and truth.

Do I care that every pageant I’ve been to on the subject, every children’s coloring page, most every artist’s rendering displays an upright cave, not a cave entrance near the base of the ground, or indeed perhaps IN the ground, for Jesus’s UNDERGROUND burial site? No, not really.

Here’s what I care about.

I, perhaps like others, have had tectonic shifts in my spiritual life when I’ve chosen to study the Scriptures in depth and ran face first into texts that did not align with my doctrinal upbringing. (Hebrews was a bugger.)

Also, I’ve had times in my life where my spiritual experiences did VERY much align with accountings in Scripture, BUT the faith and practice of my community did not coincide, so the felt choice was something in the ballpark of silence or isolation.

Why couldn’t I just easily believe what was written?

Because I had a crisis of faith in relation to what I had been taught.

This is certainly no attempt to be down on the church. I love the church. Christ loved the church and died for her. Rather, it is a reminder that we need to be ever aware that we are simply FULL-UP of preconceived notions and need to approach the Scripture with great humility, attention and ears to its actual author.

We need to listen so we will hear. We need to watch so we will see. When approaching God‘s word, it is not the right time for our “knowledge.”

“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things.” John 14:26

The Color of Grief

To consider a palette

I find reflection

Consumed by death

Sans resurrection

Grey vibrancy says no

This cannot be

Then hot with anger

And fiery pleas

I stretch for currency

Tempting wager

Fall off a cliff

Too dead for danger

Grey, to fire, to green, to black

Acceptance is the thing I lack

But when it’s here with its own hue

Covertly visible, distinctly you

We wear our grief; it is our skin

The color integument, the grief we’re in.

The Difference

I am blind
But in you sense glimpses of invisible realities
I am deaf
But your voice pierces structured silences
I am cold
But your warmth radiates dispassionate hearts
I am evil
But you are good and I am yours

10 Ways to Experience a No Weight Gain Pregnancy

#1 is vital, a must have, make sure not to miss it.

1.      Start overweight, by at least 30 lbs.

2.      Be diagnosed with preeclampsia your proceeding pregnancy, particularly the kind that requires post-partum meds.  That way your OB docs say what every newly pregnant mom wants to hear, “try not to gain any weight.”

3.      Have your children 18 months or less apart.  That helps your primary interaction with food be your one-year-old’s bottomless pit of a stomach.

4.      GI viruses are particularly helpful.  One a trimester should be fine.

5.      Move away from all your friends & eating in general as a social interaction.

6.      (#5 & #6 relate) Have a minor depressive episode in the second half of your pregnancy, such as one that might be caused from moving from a warm environment to a cold environment in the dead of winter, particularly if all your expenses can triple.

7.      For your new home choose somewhere that has 47 steps from your garage to your bedroom door.

8.      Tell your husband he can no longer come home for lunch.  That way he won’t be jealous of the Luna bar & prenatal vitamins you have for your meal.

9.      Seriously, never be without a bottle of water.

10.   (And this one’s not just for pregnancy!) Get rid of the 95% of your wardrobe that doesn’t fit anymore because it’s too tight.  Nothing fixes excessive weight issues faster than walking around in your skivvies in a house full of mirrors!

Baby Sahara & Women in Ministry

I never thought I’d have a girl.  I’ve always thought I’d raise boys & basically so did everyone else.  I wasn’t a girly girl & I’m not a particularly womany woman.  My ears aren’t pierced; I wear very little makeup & even less jewelry.  I almost never put on perfume & have less than a dozen pairs of shoes & only one functional purse (right now).  I can’t attest to how extensively or not I played mommy or house, but I do know I didn’t daydream about my wedding or dress or create a fairytale life binder I saw built by some others around me.  I didn’t seem to get wrapped up in whatever it was girls my age cared about.  It’s not that I didn’t want to kiss the boys, I just didn’t want to kiss any of the boys I knew. However on many fronts they were still preferred companions to the girls (no offense ladies)… less games, they kept it real.  I was told by those who knew me, “you’ll have half a dozen boys,” “you’ll run a boys orphanage.”  Yet here I am 30 weeks pregnant today with our second child & she’s a girl.  Her name is Sahara.

 

At first I was shocked & confused.  Having a girl didn’t make sense.  Our life was in transition & needed to be managed more with simplification than complication.  We have a boy already; we have boys’ clothes & linens & accessories.  My husband is a man & I’ve always related better to men.  Women, I’ve finally come to terms with, but girls… I wondered if I could ever come to terms with girls.

In these last 10 weeks though since I first received this news, as women in healthy situations usually do, I fell in love with this baby I’m carrying… this baby girl.

 

And being in love with this baby girl has made me start to consider things I’ve always sidestepped in the past, some important issues of practical theology.

I’m a believer in Jesus Christ & have been since I was old enough to understand sin & consequences & redemption.  My family members are believers & we were raised in conservative Christian Southern Baptist churches.  I felt uniquely called to the ministry when I was in high school & discovered others around me had ideas about what that meant, but I’d already observed 3 types of “callings,” if you will, for women who end up in ministry:

1.    They marry a man who is or ends up becoming a minister.  They’re “called” to the man, not the ministry per se. (my pastor’s wife growing up)

2.    They aim to marry a man who is or has professed he’s going into ministry.  They’re called to marry a minister, i.e. “I feel called to be a pastor’s wife.” (my sister)

3.    They uniquely are called to ministry whether or not they marry or whether or not if they marry their spouse is in the ministry & if they do marry & their spouse is in the ministry, they may end up serving in a different ministry.

That 3^rd one is me.  I’ve known it all along & my now husband knew, understood & agreed with it in my life before we even dated, which was particularly important to me since he was raised by a #2.

Herein lays the issue.  Southern Baptists are a bit notorious for not supporting women in ministry, at least not in the way I understand it.  It’s all well & good if you’re lucky enough to be a single missionary somewhere overseas, but the story changes if you’re married & even more so if you’re stateside, regardless of your marital status.  Children’s ministry or women to women ministry is usually acceptable, though perhaps still a step-child to the body of believers’ more important tasks & you will in no doubt be a “Director” because terminology helps people not get the wrong idea. (Not true of our last church who also very graciously licensed me to ministry related to my work in our local county jail.)

Up until recently this still had not been a big issue for me (apart from the “discussions” I have periodically with others).  Why?  I’m not one to be overly uncomfortable as a minority, a position that challenges my beliefs & helps me know if they hold credence in my life.  I don’t usually seek to be divisive.  I’m not a people pleaser.  My confidence & value, if I’m healthy, comes from a different source.  The real scapegoat though is because I’ve always felt led to & have served predominantly in parachurch ministries, where frequently my fellow church goers are not, or are certainly not in mass & the ones that are present are only too glad to have me around.

But that’s all changing… because now I’m pregnant again & this time I’m pregnant with a girl, a girl who will in all likelihood grow up in a Southern Baptist church.

I can no longer avoid this controversial issue related to gender, roles & women in ministry.  God willing, very soon we will have a young woman to raise in our home & I want her to have confidence before her God, herself & others.  I want to help minimize confusion that she may be confronted with regarding who she is or is not created to be.

It’s clearly (past) time to step out of my laziness, to pray, study, listen, wrestle & write as I seek to engage this sensitive subject.

I’m thankful to the Lord for his prompting through the precious life of our wee Sahara.

Sudden Death

Sudden death stands as a sudden enemy to the living left behind
Sudden grief makes time & concepts of reality unwind
Sudden loneliness suffocates in silent screams
Sudden fear paralyzes, a future unforeseen

Death has no victory, death has no sting
Words of the dead perhaps living again
Death has no victory yet death burns as fire
Words of the living enveloped by a smoldering pyre

Life's now shrouded in ashen fog
What is life but a ghost, a misty prologue
How is life worth living with the living gone
Why is pain unending, a mind terrorizing song

Will hope be enough
Will faith prevail
Will God be God
Will love not fail

I pray tomorrow was yesterday without today
My prayers are putty; my courage is gone
Stand by me now; I need the strong

Mi Amor

Only with choice comes love
Only with truth is it free
Only with sacrifice is it known
Only with God can it be